7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU - Part 5 of 7

Rule 5 - Consistency is Key

I have always been blessed with daily chores that end up teaching me important life lessons. One important lesson I learnt about scrubbing floors is consistency.

I learnt, that there are 2 methods to scrub a stubborn stain off the floor:
Method 1 - With brute force
Method 2 - With minimal force, done repeatedly

It's true! Once, when I was in pain and had to scrub some oil stains off the floor (yes, had to, because my 2 little doggies would develop a rash at the slightest existence of stains/ unwashed chemicals on the floor) I knew using force was not an option (plus, I had run out of the woman's best friend - Clorox bleach!), so I calmly started scrubbing the same area over and over again. Though it did take up some of my (precious!) time, it was either that or pink rashes on my terriers' bodies! So I gathered up all the patience I could muster, and scrubbed, over and over and over again. The amount of force used was almost negligible, but eventually, the stain started to disappear. I was literally ecstatic! More because of the life lesson I had learnt that the (almost) squeaky clean floor!

Consistency.

That is an important key to success.

Consistency and Building the YOU Brand

Once, when I interviewed former TV3 personality turned image consultant, Datin Sharifah Shawati about being an entrepreneur, she too had good things to say about consistency. "Momentum and Consistency are really important to an entrepreneur. When I teach people about image, I tell them to be consistent, because a lack of it would mean that you do not have that brand you rave about in your business. When I was in TV3, I would always dress up immaculately - even when I had to cover a flood assignment! Then one day, when there was a show about fashion and they were looking for a host, guess who they asked? ME!"

It's true what Datin Shawati said about how consistency makes or breaks a brand.
When we think 7-Eleven, we think 24 hours accessibility - we know that no matter what, if all the other shops are closed, we could run into 7-Eleven and grab that 10 bottles of Coca Cola we need for the party tomorrow.
When we think McDonalds, we think quick, affordable food.
When we think Hallmark, we think classy.

Why? Because all these brands were consistent in their practise and values.

Consistency makes or breaksMy student once pointed out that Nike shoes were 'unreliable' (his words, not mine, so I would expect that lawsuit to not be on its way!) because the bottom rubber flap keeps coming off. The Quad Squad (which consists of me, my 2 sisters and my husband!) love to go on culinary adventures, and well, KFC is on our list of fave foods. However, unfortunately, we have striked off KFC outlets in some locations here (and put them in the 'Don't Even Think About Bringing This Up' list!), simply because we feel the quality of the chicken, drinks and service are compromised (and we have decided that if we were going to put all that calories in us, we are not going to settle for less than the best in quality and food!). Everytime I switch on the TV and see a (quite aimless and pointless) reality show on girls and guys trying to impress each other (if you're thinking which reality show - here's a clue...ALL OF THEM!) I immediately, without even giving it a second thought, switch to another channel.

So you see, being consistent can affect your brand name in a good or bad manner. So, if you're bad, should you be consistently bad? Well, not at all. But if you're bad, then you change to be good for like a day, and then go back to being bad, you're not going to be customer-magnet of the year, now, are you?
"But change must always be balanced with some degree of consistency"
Ron D Burton

Consistency - A Movie Point of ViewWhy do we connect to heroes in a movie - because they are consistently good. So much so, that even on the rare occassions that they do something wrong, we take his side (Superman, Batman, Spidey)! The same theory applies to villains and comic reliefs. That is why, when an actor breaks into the movie scene for the very first time playing a particular character, we find it rather difficult to accept them in another role:

- After Girl Interrupted, can you possibly see Angelina Jolie acting as a dumb blonde?
- Can you see Nicole Kidman playing a goofy character?
- What do you think when you see Maya Karin after her stint in the Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam?

You see, consistency does matter.

Consistency vs Complacency

BUT, consistency should not be misinterpreted as complacency. Being consistent does not mean that you do not embrace change, but on the contrary, it actually means that if you wish to embrace change, then you must embrace change all the time. It means that if you decide to be a smiley person, then keep smiling, even when things don't go too well. It means that if you want to fight for a dream, then keep fighting no matter what people say, or no matter how tough things can get.

It means that if you have set your mind to do something, whatever it may be, then do it. Just do it. No excuses. No change of heart. Move forward and consistently work at it.

1. Consistency and losing weight - if you want to lose weight, and you're determined to do it, then do it consistently. It should not be a quick fix formula that sees you shedding those pounds in 7 days, only to help you gain it all again the next week. Have a plan that will help you lose weight on a consistent basis - maybe at the rate of 1kg a week.

2. Consistency and work - if you want to be seen as a highly motivated and energetic person at work, then do things that reflect you in that manner, all the time. You do not have to do the same thing over and over, but similar things that will help people think of the word "Motivated" when they see you. Maybe walk into the office with high spirits daily, speak in a pumped up manner. Here's the thing- if you always portray a consistent image at work, people know what to come to you for. If you're always working late, people know they can call you at 10pm for work purposes, and you'd be ok with that. If you're chatty and bubbly at work, people know they can come to you to chat, or when they do not have a lunch buddy. If you're always strict at work, people know to stay the distance. How you are portrayed at work depends a great deal on the amount of consistency you diligently display at work.
"You can't get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good"
Jerry West, former professional basketball player for the LA Lakers

3. Consistency at home - we have quite a lot of chores to do at home, and my sisters and I have come up with a system to make it work. So when 1 sister cleans up, the other takes the dog for a walk, and the other is probably working on the prayer room. So when this happens, we know who to approach when something is not done :) Consistency at home can be seen in the responsibilities we hold, and how well we perform at it. Consistency helps run a family.

Just imagine...Just imagine what would have happened if these people decided that consistency doesn't work for them

1- Oprah Winfrey - can you imagine if she had quit being a talk show host after 1 year working at it, maybe because she thought it was hard, and that fighting to prove herself was simply too tiring?

2- Helen Keller's teacher - can you imagine what would have happened had Helen Keller's teacher given up on her consistent lessons to the very stubborn, unruly and almost unteachable visually impaired child?

3- Terry Fox - can you imagine if Terry Fox had stopped his run for cancer because it was too tough, because no one was supporting him in the initial stages, because he was bleeding from his amputated leg?

If all these people had said "Well, it was good while it lasted, but I think I'll stop now", we would not be experiencing all the joys and magic of what they have brought to the world. Wouldn't that be sad?

The ChallengeStart by writing 1 thing you would like to consistently focus on. When you have mastered that, try another, and see the results. You will enjoy it!

"Don't pray when it rains, if you don't pray when the sun shines"
Leroy Paige

Coming up...Part 6 of the "7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU"

7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU - Part 4 of 7

Rule 4 - Understand the Power of Direction and Goals

Do you know where you're headed in life? I mean, really...have you ever given it any thought?

Most of us chance through life. This is a fact. From the outside, it may look like we lead a rosy, near to perfect life; but that may be far from the inconvenient truth.

Where are you headed in life?

Stephen Covey put it excellently when he said that some of us are too busy climbing the ladder of success, that we never put much thought as to whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall!

Why is it so important to know where we're headed? Is it wrong to just live life without having to carry the burden of knowing that we have to achieve something?

Let's put it this way - everything we do in life; everything in life has a purpose. The honey bee's bigger purpose in life is to pollinate while they look for honey; the government introduced the concept of public education with the main purpose of supporting the demand created by industrialism (and that's why we go to school!); the main reason we eat is to satisfy hunger, which is our body's natural message to us; we wince because we're in pain; we exercise to get fit; we sleep so our bodies can recuperate and rejuvenate - everything has a purpose.

So to say that we do not know where we're headed in life is shocking.

Most of us will be lucky (or unlucky?) enough to live till we're 70 - 80. Living till 80 aimlessly would really be sad!

How to know if you have a direction in life?

- Do you end another year feeling like an entire year has passed but you have achieved nothing?

- Do you feel somewhat sad on your birthday because you're a year older now?

- Do you find yourself constantly wondering "Who am I?"

- Do you find yourself feeling envious whenever you see a friend that is doing better than you?

- Do you hate your job?

- Do you hate your life?

If you've answered YES to any one of the questions above, then it's time for a life-check. It's time to start putting life straight. It's time to have a direction.

If you're asking "What has hating my job got anything to do with needing directions?", then hear me out. If you hate your job, for whatever reason, it means you are clearly unhappy. So what are you still doing there? Get out! But then you'd say "Who's going to pay the bills?". You're right.

Well, if paying bills is your main purpose, then doing anything that's going to pay the bills should suffice. So, you should be loving your job. But you're not! So, what's happening here? The problem lies in not having a clear enough direction in life. This will later lead to further unhappiness (there are counselors to solve that), strained relationships (more counselors! Plus self-help books on relationships, magazines, quizzes), illnesses (mostly stress-related, which you will have to succumb to medication, a meditation guru...and probably another counselor!)...so in the end, we're not happy about the job which is supposed to be paying the bills, which is now paying to 'cure' your unhappiness and the outcomes of that unhappiness! How ironic!

The Power of Want

Ok, so now you're sold, and you want to know how you can start creating directions in your life - it's easy, really - because the most important tool you would need to start creating your directions, is within you - it is the power of want.

Most of us know what we want...it's just that we don't know that we know it. We all want happiness, peace, healthy relationships (unless you're an absolute sadist!), a good (or sometimes, great) career, and the list goes on. If we really didn't know what we wanted, how can we become so sad when we don't have it? Think about it. So we know what we want.

BUT, a want without a goal or a plan is going to stay a wish. If Bill Gates said "I want to be a billionaire in the field of IT" and didn't have a goal or a plan, he would've probably been an executive somewhere, earning a meagre (ok, maybe a slightly more than meagre) income. He would've been somewhat happy, but he (and the rest of the world!) would have never known his fullest potential. Now, wouldn't that simply be tragic!

Yes, you need goals - a set of plans or some idea on how you're going to get what you want.

Goals are such powerful tools in life, because it gives us an idea of what we're working towards.

Tag's Life

Here's an idea of how goals work, let's look at Tag's (he's imaginary) life. He was never introduced to the concept of goals, so he took life as it came:

- Get a college degree or start working? - Work

- Work in a factory as a supervisor earning RM1000 or work in a desk job in a bank earning RM 800? - Factory

- After working for 5 years, get married or accept that offer for an overseas job? - Get married

- 1 year after getting married, to have a kid or accept another offer for an overseas job? - Get a kid

- When kid grows up, public or private school? - Public school

- When kid goes to college, overseas or local - Local

- When planning to retire, kid fails, kid goes to another college or work? - Another college

- When retire, travel or rest? - Rest

Frankly, it doesn't look like his life is all that bad, does it? It is how most of us go through life. We think of a solution only when a problem or circumstance arrives. Not bad.

Jack's Life

Now let's look at Jack. Jack basically knows what he wants in life. He wants to have a PhD and he wants be a millionaire. He wants to retire by 40. He wants the woman he loves, but does not want kids. He wants to travel to many countries around the world. Let's ask Jack some questions

- Get a college degree or start working? - College degree

- Continue with Masters, work or do both? - Both

- Continue with PhD, work or do both? - Both

- Meets a lady with 2 kids, marry or not? - Not

- Writes a book, to publish or not - Publish

- Gets opportunity to travel overseas to market book - Travel

- Meets his life partner, marry or not - Marry

- Gets an opportunity to retire at 40 with RM 500,000 in bank account or at 45 with RM 1,000,000 in his bank account - retire at 45.

What do you think of Jack's life? It is one with a little more structure, because he knew exactly what he wanted. So his life's direction is pretty much set, and he lives everyday towards realizing his wants. At times when he came at a crossroads (choosing to retire at 40 or become a millionaire), he chose what he felt was more important.

What happens when goals are set but life happens differently?

"Even when you think you have your life all mapped out, things happen that shape your destiny in ways you might never have imagined"

Deepak Chopra

It's true. Life has a funny way of playing with us.

All my life, I've wanted to do one thing - and that is to read the news. I won many news reading competitions in school and in the university (where I did my Degree in IT!) and frankly, I never had a goal. I was too afraid to have the goal of reading the news on TV for 2 main reasons; (1) What if I started reading the news and then a better offer came by? and (2) Would people think me lame for reading the news? (Was it an intelligent enough job?). So I decided to start working in a 'smart' job. Then, the unthinkable happened, out of 500 people who went for a newsreading audition, I was one of 2 people picked to read the news on national TV! I was elated, but was also instantly cast with a sea of doubt. Should I? Shouldn't I? If I did have a goal then, I would have done it. But I didn't. I was too afraid. So I turned down the offer to continue my MBA, and then worked in many meaningless 'smart' jobs which never gave me the satisfaction I craved.

Life happens.

"It is the set of sails, not the direction of the wind that determines which way we will go"

Jim Rohn

If we know deep inside what we truly want, and we set our mind to go out there and get it, then no matter what happens, you will get what you want. So when life gifts us with its twists and turns, we have to decide if we want to go on holding on to that goal, or move in a different direction. Whatever we decide, it is our decision.

Is setting goals absolutely necessary?

I used to think that having goals and directions are a sad way to lead life. I've always believed in the spontaneity of things - take it as it comes. And, while there was nothing wrong with that, I found myself happier once I started having some structure in life - setting goals has helped me realize what I can do, what I need to do, what I have done and how far I need to go. And that is good, because I read somewhere, that when you die, you take nothing with you - it's how much you leave behind that really matters. How can you know what you will leave behind if you never intended it to be so.

The Power of Setting Goals

- A little girl knew, at age 12, that she wanted to help others lead a better life, and at 18 left her mother and sister to join the missionary without looking back - she is the late Mother Teresa

- A little boy, whose family practised vegetarianism, experimented with meat once and swore to never touch it ever again, and never did - he is the late Mohandas Gandhi

- A young man who barely spoke English had a dream to build the nation's first entertainment park on the hills, who with his wife, had days of eating only porridge to support his dream...and he succeeded - the late Lim Goh Tong, developed and founded Genting Highlands

- 50 years ago, scientists said that it was impossible for a human to run the 100m event at 9.69 seconds, but they were wrong, because someone did - he is Usain Bolt

What did all these people do right?

They had goals.

They had dreams.

And they knew exactly where they were headed.

Is setting goals enough?

Imagine this scenario. You are on the tracks, awaiting to hear the gunshot for the commencement of the 100m event. You have a goal, to reach the 100m finish line in 7 seconds. Never before done feat, but you are confident that you can do it. You had a goal, and you start to run...and yes! You made it in 7 seconds! Great! But, you're not the winner! All because, you were running in the wrong direction!

Sometimes in life, we do all we do to achieve that goal, but we are unsure of the direction.

- I want to be rich (you can be rich doing evil things)

- I want to be famous (you can be infamous)

- I want to be a CEO (you can be a CEO of a failing company)

When we make goals, it has to be with some direction.

- I want to be rich by helping people

- I want to be a famous, successful actor on TV

- I want to be the CEO of a thriving company

7 Steps on How to Set Goals

1. Have ME time

Do you have anytime that you can set for yourself? It has to be an alone time, away from life's common (welcomed or unwelcomed) distractions - people, kids, dogs, phones, responsibilities. If you don't have a ME time set, then do it now. Always remember to take care of yourself too. During any flight, you hear the same advice - always put the oxygen mask on you before you put it onto others, because if you don't, then you are risking the lives of both you and the person you are planning to help. So go find an hour every week, at a quiet location. For me, it's at Starbucks!

2. Get a notebook

It's true. As lame as this may sound, get a notebook - whether it's the real book, or a laptop is irrelevant, but get something you can use to jot your goals and musings as you go along. A smartphone would do just fine too.

3. Look at your life closely

Before you start to think of your goals, think of what you're doing now. What things in life that you are currently doing. What is important to you. What is a waste of time. Jot it down. Don't just think about it. It is proven that when you write, it solidifies the feeling of 'realness'

4. Goal categories

Start setting goals in these categories. Start with 1 goal per category. If you do not wish to set a goal in any one of the category, then leave it blank

- Family

- Career

- Health

- Hobbies

- Spirituality and religion

- Finances and Wealth

- Education

- Artistic

- Attitude, Beliefs, Values

- Giving back to society

5. Daily To-Do List

Have a to-do list of what you wish to do to achieve the goals in every category that you had set. Eg, if your Family goal is to be closer to your parents, what can you do daily/ weekly/ monthly to achieve this goal? Daily - call mom. Weekly - visit parents. Monthly - travel with parents. When you specify it like this, at the end of the year, your goal to be closer to your family is achieved, and you will automatically feel a sense of achievement - plus, you're closer to your family now! If it's to become a more respected person at work, your to-do list might look like this: Daily - dress up very professionally. Weekly - provide more constructive feedback at weekly meetings, and stay away from gossip. Monthly - post an article in the monthly newsletter that can help others. If you feel that these are too focused, then good. It should be this way. The more detailed you are, the better the results will be.

6. Review, Feedback, Rewrite, Repeat

Like the shampoo ad that goes "Wash, Lather, Repeat", goals have a system too. Every goal has to be reviewed to ensure (a) that you're on the right track, (b) the goal's suitability to real life, and (c) that it is infact, bringing in the results you want. Review your goals weekly to begin with, and then monthly, quarterly and yearly. Eg, if your Health goal is to lose 10 kgs in 1 week, it sounds very doable, but when you actually start doing things in your to-do list: Eat 5 fruits a day, exercise for 2 hours a day, wake up at 4am to do yoga, run the stairs at work - you might realize that it is not doable. No worries, don't give up - just rewrite.

7. Goals are meant to make you Happier

At any one time, if you feel that your goals are creating havoc in your life, take a step back...go back to your ME time, and rethink your goals and direction. Make your decision to change them if you need to.

So, make it a challenge this week, to find some time alone, and think about your life's directions and goals...it'll be worth it!

"How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?"

Tony Robbins

Life is great - focus on the destination, and enjoy the journey!

Good luck!

Coming up...Part 5 of the "7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU"

7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU - Part 3 of 7

Rule 3 - Hustle while you wait

"All things come to those who hustle while they wait" Edison

This is the challenge of executing what matters while waiting for what's coming.

Waiting is inevitable.

In many instances in our lives, we are made to wait - at the frustratingly never-ending queue at McDonalds during lunch (it doesn't help that the lady in front of you is making an order for 15 people! And that too, during your extremely rigid lunch hour), at the Immigration office to get our passport renewed (before that trip which is less than 2 weeks away!), for a text reply to an SMS that you had sent out hours earlier, for that make-or-break business phone call, for the right person (or sometimes, regrettably, the wrong one!)...we wait a LOT!
Frankly, it is really sad to see what most people do while waiting. Speaking from personal experience, I have seen people nodding off to slumberland; looking rather pathetically at the digits on the display and then at that dreaded piece of paper in their hand, only to know that NO, nothing much has changed since 30 seconds ago, and YES, there are still 100 numbers to go; some people decide to start exploring themselves 'in depth' and no body parts are spared - nose, ears, hair, fingernails!

The challenge here is to make waiting worthwhile - and the question is, what else can we do whilst we wait?

Here are some ideas you can put to test:

1. Read! Probably one of the, if not the most underrated hobbies of all time. As overstated as this might sound, reading actually does increase one's outlook towards life! I will never forget an interview I saw years ago, on the now Royal Prof Ungku Aziz - and there are 2 things in that interview which are still fresh in memory till now - the fact that Ungku Aziz eats 2 bananas every morning to sharpen his memory...and that reading is his passion. And that guy is smart! I've learnt early on in life, that emulating what smart people do, can make you smart. Think about it...all the smart (and cool!) people read - Oprah (the ultra successful talk-show host) reads, Donald Trump (the successful billionaire property magnate) reads - so when are we going to develop this habit? Reading can snugly provide a solution to issues like "I'm so bored, I could die!" or "I have no money to travel the world, I'm going to be the only person in the world who hasn't left my house!" or "Hmmm...I don't have the slightest clue what they're talking about". As Oprah very aptly said "Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age 3, and soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer that went beyond our farm in Mississippi"

2. Tech Helps! Yes it does. Having a laptop, a tablet (PC), a smartphone, an MP3 player (and NO, it does not have to be an iPod, kids), a camera or an e-book reader can help in the hustling process. I am so into The Secret and the Law of Attraction right now, that I'm hardly ever seen without my trusty MP3 player by my side - when I take my dogs out for walks, when I'm waiting to pick someone up at the LRT station, the minutes before I doze off at night - it really helps! Once, my dogs were in the car during a 3-hour drive from JB to KL, and I could've sworn that they were intently listening in on The Secret mp3 going on in my car! And the next day, I saw the 2 little terriers looking intently at the neighbour's cat (probably visualizing their dinner?!) If you're one of the lucky ones who possess a netbook (a smaller version of the laptop) then it's as convenient as carrying a manual notebook around - use it to work, play games, chat, e-mail). With the blessings (?) of Facebook, Twitter, IMs, MSN Messenger, Yahoo Chat, Flickr and the thousands of other tech-stuff to do, why should waiting be a pain?

3. Call mom. My life took a 360 when I read this quote by American poet and psychiatrist, Stephen Levine "If you were going to die soon, and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call, and what would you say? And why are you waiting?" Puts things in perspective, now, doesn't it? I mean really, what's stopping us from doing something that we would do if we knew we didn't have very long to live? Just for conversation's sake, when was the last time you called mom or dad, your best buddy at high school, your favourite teacher, your sister? Nothing to do while waiting for the LRT, or while getting your hair washed at the salon, or while waiting for your favourite game to telecast live on TV? Pick up that phone and dial that familiar number. It may be an act of hustling on your part, and it may be a mere 5 minutes, but for that someone at the other end, it may have made their day. Now, isn't that worth it?

4. Reflect. Life passes us by in a blink of an eye. Children grow up too fast, weekends whizz by too speedily and Mondays always come by too soon! After all that complaining about "how fast time flies", it would almost be a sin if we threw away any free time we had! During my recent birthday, my husband went to Johor for a meeting. As his meeting fell on my birthday, he asked me to come along and 'unwind'. So I did. I checked out of the hotel at 12noon, and my husband who was supposed to be waiting for me at the parking lot, called to "really, really apologize" as his meeting was going on longer than expected. So there I was, at a Cafe by the poolside. I read for an hour or so, and they started getting weary. I decided to use that time to reflect - on my life, on my past thoughts and actions, on how I can become a better person. My husband was (again, very apologetically) 6 hours late. But really, unbeknown to me at first, that was probably the most necessary 6 hours of my life! Do some thinking with that free time. Remember, there is a huge difference between thinking and not doing anything. Hustling is simply a smarter way to make good use of the 24 hours we are blessed with. Some may say that having to hustle would mean stealing time away from the necessity of relaxing. True, but if you think of it relaxing is a form of hustling, as is reflecting or thinking.

In hustling, we will find ourselves eventually dropping our constant complaints:

- "He never called!"

- "Where were you?! I waited for you for hours!!"

- "I wish someone would just give me a job, already! I'm tired of waiting!"

- "Why must my husband like to eat turkey?? It takes so long to bake!"

When we stop complaining, we stop finding fault in others and in ourselves - and we start looking for new reasons to live and be happy. In doing so, we will directly or indirectly find new opportunities behind doors that might have been locked before, new reasons to smile, new passions, new friends. Let's give ourselves a chance to either learn something new, reconnect old ties or just find ourselves in a more meaningful way.

Annoyed at yet another delayed flight? - hustle while you wait!

"Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle"

Abraham Lincoln

Coming up...Part 4 of the "7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU"

7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU - Part 2 of 7

Rule 2 - Command respect, not demand it

What's the difference, you ask? To demand respect basically means you shout out that you're the best and the most powerful, literally forcing people to 'respect' you (of course in this case, it would be more fear than respect). To command respect is to exuberate a kind of character that people almost cannot disrespect - they feel like they want to respect you...and frankly, that's the best kind of respect there is.

The world is full of phonies, and those who demand respect fall into that category. When you leave this world, you would want people to know you for all the good you have done to make the world a better place, not to come to your funeral just because they have to. That would be terribly sad now, wouldn't it?

To command respect is classy - to demand it is cheap, fake, immature and it is a symbol of misused power. Demanding respect is when expectations arise after something is done; when you tell someone you did something good, expecting a praise or a pat on the back; raising your voice to another to show them who's boss, expecting them to listen to you; undermining another just because you think you can; talking behind one's back to another, expected to be liked.

It is very easy to tell if someone is commanding or demanding respect. Take you for example. Ask yourself these questions, and answer them. Frankly! And you will know.

1. If you have a child, have you yelled at him/her when you wanted something done?

2. As soon as you have done something good, do you go around announcing it to the next person you see, and probably feeling dejected when someone else doesn't think it's a good enough act?

3. Do you ever tell someone something in absolute secrecy, making them promise not to tell, and the next thing you know, it is you who is telling the entire neighbourhood about it?

4. Do you feel that you can't help but to talk to other people about someone behind their back, because you must let them know?

5. Have you ever verbally told someone that they're just not good enough because you're jealous?

If you'd answered YES to any one of the above, then that is an act of demanding respect - it is rather bully-ish, wouldn't you say?

Commanding respect, on the other hand, is when people start respecting you without being told to. This is a quality of a great leader. Sometimes, you just can't explain it, but you feel that you must respect that person - examples are Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Lance Armstrong and Barrack Obama. They do not intimidate you with their presence...rather, one would feel humbled and honoured. Compare this feeling to what you would feel if you were in the presence of Adolf Hitler.

People will start respecting you when

- you make promises you can and do deliver

- you are honest in your speech, thoughts, actions and desires

- you respect others

- you respect yourself - it is really obvious to others whether you respect yourself or not. A big sign that you are disrespecting yourself is when you put yourself down, or when you're ridden with self pity!

- you display that you can make your own decisions and stick by them without faltering, and face the consequences without regret, although sometimes, your decision may not be right

- you are steadfast to the cause at hand, no matter what challenges come your way

- you are trustworthy and reliable

Remember, when you wake up from bed tomorrow morning, you have a choice - whether to command or demand respect. The choice is yours, but whatever it may be, may you be an inspiration to you and those around you.

"Men are respected only as they respect"

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Coming up...Part 3 of the "7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU"

7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU - Part 1 of 7

RULE 1 - Eliminate all forms of self pity in your life

Have you ever found yourself feeling sorry for yourself? Like maybe when things are going south...and you feel that your world is being ripped apart; and the first thing you resolve to is self pity?

Let me give you an example. Have you felt so bad that you desire for something to make yourself feel better - like diving into a tub of Double Dutch ice cream? Or when someone yells at you, be it at home or at work, the first thing you feel is "Poor Me"? Or when something bad happens, say you missed an important phone call because your phone is old and lame...do you start feeling depressed and say "Why do these things always happen to me?"? Or when you see your friend's photos on Facebook, especially with the ones of her with her gorgeous, to-die-for husband and her biannual trip to France, posing in front of the Eiffel Tower, do you start to think "Hmm..if only mum had enough money to send me overseas, I would've been like Sally here".

These are all signs of self pity.

I would say that on a list of bad habits that causes a person to fail, self pity would top it.
When you are slapped with a problem, whatever it may be - a day of unsuccessful job hunting, a long day stuck in traffic, a day where everything that can go wrong just did, your car broke down, your business is failing, a friend is ailing, you are locked out of the house, some smart-alec cuts in front of you in traffic, your teacher yells at you, you leave your very important work assignment at home, your tummy aches, you had a bad day at the cafeteria..and needless to say, the list goes on - do you rise and shine..or do you whine and wallow in self pity?

Most of us succumb to self pity. It's true. Whether we want to believe it or not, it's much easier to just blame someone for it, get mad, let someone else ruin your day, or go back to bed because the day isn't getting anywhere!

The worse thing about self pity, is that once you start feeling it, it refuses to go away. It would rather haunt you into feeling more self pity, and before you know it, you're on a downward spiral to the bottom, real fast.

What would have happened to the people below, if they let self pity rule their lives?

Liz Murray - With both her parents stricken with HIV-positive and living in extreme poverty conditions surrounded by drug abuse, Liz Murray had nowhere to go. Her mother, who was her custodian, was always slipping in and out of consciousness, no thanks to her drug problem. Her father, albeit also having a drug problem, was smart - and he always pushed Liz to have an education. But because of her parents' state and the fact that she had a younger sister to care for, she stopped schooling. However, there came a time when she had had enough, and decided to study - though she started high school later than most students, she was strong headed about educating herself. Due to her unstable conditions, and no place to study, she would board a subway train the entire day so she can use the train lights to study, sleep in the train, then wake up and go off to school the next day. Liz made it into Harvard University.

Thomas Edison - We all know that Thomas Edison created the light bulb...and we thank him for it! But most of us still don't know the story of his life and the challenges he had to persevere. Edison became deaf at an early age, due to scarlet fever. He held many jobs since he was young, and once spilled sulphuric acid onto the floor, which leaked into the floorboards, and onto his boss' desk below - and he was fired. And yes, he did try 999 times before successfully creating the light bulb we all know, love and use today, but when someone asked him how he felt about failing, he simply said "I learnt 999 new ways on how not to make a light bulb".

Lance Armstrong - Armstrong is a professional cyclist - so can you imagine his horror when hearing that he was diagnosed with testicular cancer in 1996? His doctor said he had only a 40% chance of survival. The doctors managed to get most, if not all of the tumors out of his body. But the greatest miracle of it all, is that he won the Tour de France cycling tournament 7 consecutive times after he was diagnosed with cancer!

Wonderful stories, yes?
Now can you imagine what would have happened, had these people let even an ounce of self pity into their lives? Liz Murray could have said "Hey, who cares about an education? Everyone else is into drugs..so why should I care?" Thomas Edison could have said "God hates me! That's why I fail so many times! I should just give up!" Lance Armstrong could have said "Ok, I guess my life is over. My career as a professional cyclist certainly is, no thanks to cancer. God must really be laughing at me right now! I hate my life!"

They could have...but they didn't. You see, I truly believe that we can choose what to focus on in life. I mean, no doubt, life will give us lemons - hey, life might sometimes even throw bowling balls at us! - but it's our choice, whether to accept these lemons with bitterness, or add some water, sugar and ice and make the best lemonade ever!

Next time, before we start blaming someone or feeling sorry for ourselves, try these tips:
1. Feel grateful for what we already have. Step out of your life and look at it from a 3rd person point of view. See what you already have and what you've been blessed with. More often than not, we're so deep into our lives, that we fail to be thankful.
2. Turn every threat into an opportunity. A threat is something you might not be able to control - like rain when you're having an outdoor party; or getting fired. Though you may not be able to control a threat, you can control how you deal with it. So it rains - get some buckets to collect the rain - free water to wash your car tomorrow! So you get fired - it's about time you give yourself a shot at that business you'd always wanted to start. See, there's always an option out of any threat...just want it bad enough, look for it, and you'll find it!
3. Channel your energy and time elsewhere. Next time you find yourself blaming your parents for bringing you up the wrong way, or blaming God for hating you, try to think of something else worthy of your energy and time. Hate, anger and fury can get really tiring, and it might lead to headaches! So, try to channel your energy to something else - maybe grab that book that's collecting dust on your shelf and start reading, maybe switch on that tele for a rerun of Ugly Betty, maybe pick up the phone and call up an old friend. Anything to get your mind off...and you'll feel better in a minute.
4. Know that there are people who are in worse situations than you. Yes, it may be time to stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking about others. You're having a rough day stuck in traffic? Someone maybe struggling for dear life somewhere. You're angry because the McDonalds lady forgot to give you Chili sauce? Someone maybe dying of hunger because her family just does not have enough money to buy food. There is always someone in a worse situation than you are in. Join in as a volunteer and help the less fortunate. You will start seeing your life in a different angle.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself - self pity is the most degrading form of life.
Pick yourself up, take a walk, smell the roses!

Good luck!

Coming up...Part 2 of the "7 Surefire Rules to be a Better YOU"

Defy convention in 2011!

The glimpse of tiny kids getting prepared for their first day in school today made me think. Life is very much cut out for the most of us.

We were born, allowed to kid around for a few years before being whisked away to nurseries and kindergartens and before you know it, you're clad in uniform with a badge on it, and you're off to primary school. We spend 6 (fruitful or not is besides the point) years there, only to be told that there is another 5 to 7 (fun, albeit tiring!) years in secondary school. Then, of course it's off to college, and another 4 years passes us by (if we're lucky enough to get through!). Lo and behold, without even realizing it - ok, so we are made to realize and remember, thanks to that additional candle on the birthday cake every year) - 20 to 23 years passed us by. And now, they tell us that we're adults and we're supposed to live.

Fine. So we look around, and realize that the most natural thing to do is to look for a job - and there...a new era of life has just begun. Job-hunting, interviews, getting rejected, getting accepted, and of course, spending the entire first month's salary on buying gifts for yourself (because hey, you deserve it) and your other deserving friends.
We then almost instantaneously, as if pushed by a hand from somewhere (not Adam Smith's), enter into the next era - the era of wants! (a.k.a 'The Living Years'). Where we want more, and more simply does not cut it - enter credit cards, housing and car loans, then bigger housing and car loans, then other loans to cover the first 4 loans! We want more money, more time (by earning more and working less, in no particular order).

So we persistently work (or job hop) till we are told to stop...they call this 'retiring'. This is the time where we 'relax' and enjoy the fruits of life. Of course, we're about 55 - 65 now and we have our entire retirement plan spread out - vacations, spending time with the family, gardening, yoga...and there are of course a big handful of us who'd just rather do nothing. And life goes on...till it doesn't anymore.

If you do not see a pattern here, then let me help you - we live a life that has been drawn up by generations before us, the economy and everyone else but us. The pattern of going to school and college - get a job - get married - have kids - retire - retire from it all. Why does this pattern exist? Is it wrong if we start working before going to school? Is it a crime to get married before working? Does society shun you away if you have no kids? Do you have to work for someone? Must you retire at a certain age?

Why all these questions? Well, WHY NOT?

We as humans, must remember that our life is exactly that - it is Our Life. We must do with it what we think best. If there is a system in place, need you follow it? Can you defy convention and do something out of the ordinary? Will you survive?
Let this year be one of Defying Conventions. Start asking 'Why Not?'. See if you can do things differently for a better quality of life. Let's be inspired by those who have treaded on unchartered waters when everyone else decided to take the safe path

For those of us who believe that we must go to school to excel, there's Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft - dropped out of Harvard, arguably the most recognizable if not prestigious university in the world to start his own company, something he truly believed in

For those of us who think that if you're down, you're out, there's Robert Downey Jr, actor of Iron Man - succumbed to drug abuse for years, before making a huge comeback

For those of us who feel that we must graduate, work and get paid before we can start helping others, there's
Neha Gupta, 13, Founder of Empower Orphans - who started Empower Orphans when she was 9, upon seeing the plights of the poverty-stricken

For those of us who think that delays are a sign from above to give up, there's J.K Rowling, author, the Harry Potter series - coined up the fantasy of a small boy going to wizard school during a 4-hour train delay

For those of us who believe that success lies in having successful parents and a complete family, there's Oprah Winfrey, talk show host on self-titled talk show - whose parents were a housemaid and a coal miner, who separated when she was still a kid.

So, make it a challenge this year, this beautiful 2011 that just waltzed in the door, to DEFY CONVENTION. Be different. Look out for ways to leave your mark. Travel the road less taken. And enjoy the ride!

Happy New Year!